Letters from a Soul
by AllWasWellatPigfarts
Summary: What if Jesse died? Rachel is given a collection of letters he wrote to her but never sent. Sad onshot. Takes place between sectionals and regionals of season 2.


Okay, this came into my mind and it's very sad but I wanted to write it.

* * *

The word had spread. He was well known in Ohio and what had happened to him had quickly spread from neighbour to neighbour, through families and had successfully spread to the McKinley High glee club. They sat in silence. They all knew that each other knew but no one wanted to be the one to acknowledge it. It was surely a tragedy, but none but one had been particularly fond of him and so they did not know what to say or how to react.

Rachel Berry walked in and sat down in her seat, she avoided all of their gazes. They had noticed her walking the halls like a ghost, neither seeing nor being seen. She floated blindly through her day, trying not to think or feel. Just to get through.

She had been told while at dinner with her father's at a friends house. They talked of a tragedy, a life ended, so young, so unexpected. The Berry's who had not yet heard, ignorant of the impact it would have on their daughter, casually asked who they were discussing.

_Jesse St. James. _

He had been shot in a mugging as he walked home late one night. Of course it had made the news, a college student tragically killed in this way would always be newsworthy._  
_

That was the moment that Rachel Berry had frozen. Her fathers had tried to be understanding and tried to help console her, but she felt so much that she just decided to stop. It would be easier and it had worked for _him. _If emotional pain is felt by the soul, then being a soulless automaton is desirable.

Unfortunately for Rachel, despite all her attempts it was still there. It was like a dull extended thrumming in her soul that felt like every part of her was being dragged down. She wanted to see him again, talk to him again, hear him sing again. She wanted him to apologise, she wanted him to be a star. She had missed him since he had been gone and now he was never coming back. She hadn't known when she would see him again but she was sure that she would at some point. His last words to her echoed through her head. _I loved you._ Had he meant it? She would never know.

Mr. Schue walked in and asked if anyone had their assignment prepared. The assignment had been to find a song to sing about someone else.

Rachel felt her hand going up but didn't even know herself what she planned to sing. She stepped forward and found herself giving instructions to the band who nodded as she stepped into the middle of the room.

_Those you've known_  
_ And lost, still walk behind you_  
_ All alone_  
_ They linger till they find you_  
_Without them_  
_ The world grows dark around you_  
_ And nothing is the same until you know that they have found you_

Brad started on the piano and Rachel started to sing, her voice wavering as she tried to just sing, to lose herself in the song. Her choice however, would not allow this. She hadn't even meant to sing it but it fit so perfectly. She tried to detach but it was a battle she was slowly losing._  
_

_Those you've pained_  
_ May carry that still with them_  
_ All the same_  
_ They whisper: "All forgiven."_

As she sang Wendla's part she felt an even closer connection to the song. She looked up and knew she was seeing things. She could Jesse sitting in front of her, smiling softly. She closed her eyes in attempt to carry on but she still saw him in her mind. Memories flashed on her mind's eye as she sang._  
_

_Still your heart says_  
_ The shadows bring the starlight_  
_ And everything you've ever been is still there in the dark night_

She decided to go on to sing Moritz' part as it was closer to what she was feeling. The tears now pouring down her face made Will Schuester consider stopping her, but he realised that it would be cathartic for her. She needed to do this._  
_

_Though you know_  
_ You've left them far behind_  
_ You walk on by yourself, and not with them –_  
_Still you know_  
_ They will fill your heart and mind_  
_ When they say there's a way through this_

Rachel took a deep breath to carry on singing._  
_

_Those you've known_  
_ And lost, still walk behind you_

The _Jesse_ that was sitting in front of Rachel now moved to stand behind her as she sang. She could almost feel his touch. Rachel decided to finish her song before checking herself into a psychiatric ward.

_All alone_  
_ Their song still seems to find you_

New Directions watched Rachel sing, they knew who she was singing to, for and about. They had seen her upset and angry but now she just looked broken. Like life had grabbed her by the shoulders and shaken her soul. They knew that Rachel had felt something for Jesse but now it just seemed so much more intense.

_They call you_  
_ As if you knew their longing _  
_ They whistle through the lonely wind, the long blue shadows falling_  
_All alone_  
_ But still I hear their yearning_  
_ Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning_  
_The stars too_  
_ They tell of spring returning _  
_ And summer with another wind that no one yet has known_

Singing from the perspective of the person left behind finally pushed Rachel over the edge. She was sure that she could feel Jesse wrapped around her as well hear his voice singing with her. Joining her in perfect harmony that she had found only they could achieve together. _  
_

_They call me _  
_ Through all things _  
_ Night's falling_  
_ But somehow I go on_

Rachel wondered if that was true. Would she go on? Could she go on, without him? She hadn't seen him in months but knowing that he was no longer in her world had taken her light.

_You watch me_  
_ Just watch me _  
_ I'm calling_  
_ From longing_

Rachel turned her head ever so slightly so that she was singing to what she could only describe as Jesse's ghost. She wanted him to hear her, to come back, say it was a hoax, a joke to get attention._  
_

_Now they'll walk on my arm through the distant night_  
_ And I won't let them stray from my heart_

She knew, without a shadow of a doubt that she would never forget Jesse. He would always be there in her heart, in her mind. His memory would follow her for the entirety of her being._  
_

_Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light_  
_ I will read all their dreams to the stars_

A part of Rachel could not imagine going on to take Broadway without Jesse joining her. Since she had met him, even when she hated him, she had imagined getting her big break with him as her male lead. She felt now, stronger than ever before that she would have to achieve her dreams, because they were all that was left of Jesse's as well. Her success and her fame would be his too.

_I'll walk now with them_  
_ I'll call on their names_  
_ I'll see their thoughts are known_

She would make sure that no one would forget Jesse S.t James. People would remember who he was and who he should have had the chance to be._  
_

_Not gone _  
_ Not gone_

_They walk with my heart_

In her mind, Jesse was singing _'not gone'._

_And I'll never let them go_

It wasn't until the second '_not gone'_ that she realised Quinn was singing with her. She and Quinn had never been close, even less so since Finn and Quinn got back together. She was surprised that Quinn knew Spring Awakening but considering the topic it made some sort of sense. Quinn gave her a supportive smile and Rachel closed her eyes.

_I'll never let them go_  
_ I'll never let them go_  
_ You watch me_  
_ Just watch me_  
_ I'm calling_  
_ I'm calling _  
_ And one day all will know_

She finished singing and was met with silence. The group was looking at her with a mixture of pity and confusion. _Jesse_ vanished and Rachel, realising where, when and what, ran from the room without looking back, her cries echoing behind her.

Rachel drove, not even knowing where she was heading until she got there. She seemed to be acting on autopilot quite often now. She ran up to the house and knocked cautiously on the door, not knowing what to expect. The door opened and the person behind it was a physical expression of everything Rachel felt, it was lucky they looked so alike.

When Shelby saw her eldest daughter standing on her doorstep, tears dyed black by mascara falling down her face, she didn't think before pulling her into a hug. The two didn't even notice the rain falling down around them. They stood on the doorstep clinging to each other in a shared grief. Shelby knew that Rachel had gotten closer to Jesse than any of his other 'friends' and Rachel knew that Jesse and Shelby had been close. They found a certain comfort in each other.

Shelby brought Rachel inside and gave her a towel. They dried up and Shelby made tea for them. She joined Rachel back on the couch and wrapped her arm around her shoulders and brought her in closer. Unexpectedly, Shelby leant forward and pulled out a photo album. The pictures were a mix of professional ones from Vocal Adrenaline performances and candid ones taken in practice. Jesse looked amazing in all of them and Rachel couldn't look away. She wanted to memorize every feature, every expression, every moment.

"I see him." She admitted to Shelby. "When I was singing to today, I could see him. I'm pretty sure I could feel him."

"Oh, sweetie." Shelby pulled her in closer, unsure what to tell her.

\o\

Rachel went to Shelby's before the funeral, they were going together. They sat through the ceremony holding each others hands. Shelby spoke briefly. The church was packed but Rachel wondered how many people really knew Jesse.

After the ceremony Rachel was approached by a boy who introduced himself as John, Jesse's room mate and friend at UCLA.

"You're Rachel?" He asked but she had a feeling that he already knew. She nodded needlessly and he asked if she would quickly come to his car. Curious, she followed.

"Jesse would speak of you." He told her. "He regretted everything so much." John could tell from Rachel's surprised expression that she didn't think he would know about what happened. "I got it out of him when we drunk one night." He explained. "Anyway, I told him he should try and get in touch with you."

"He never did." Rachel spoke quietly.

"He never sent them." He corrected. "I'm sure you know better than me how dramatic Jesse was, so he decided that email, phone or text wouldn't do what he had to say justice, so he wrote letters." He said and Rachel stayed silent.

"I offered to pack up his stuff. His parents were going to use movers and the boxes would probably never be opened again. I thought you deserved to see them. The letters, I mean, so I brought them with me hoping you would be here. I also put in some pictures he had of the two of you. Here." He handed her a box.

"Thank you." She said. "What about the rest of his stuff?"

"Boxed up at his parents, I think." He shrugged sadly.

Rachel held onto the box during the burial, waiting for it to be over so she could read Jesse's letters. She had briefly looked in the box and as far as she could tell there had to be about 25 letters in the box.

Shelby dropped her off at her house and she ran up the stairs into her bedroom. She turned on her computer and started some music. She delicately opened the box and pulled out the first letter. Jesse had even sealed the envelopes and written her address on the back. She figured that he would have organised them from earliest to latest because that's what she would have done. She was right.

_Dear Rachel,_

_Please read this. I know I have no right whatsoever to ask you to do anything but I'm begging you not to be your dramatic self and burn this without at least reading it first. _

_I need to apologise for my behaviour last year. I was selfish and cruel; you didn't deserve it. _

_You also didn't deserve to lose regionals. New Directions were light years better than Aural Intensity. Your voice was flawless and despite wanting to punch something seeing you duet with Finn, Faithfully was beautiful and I wished I could have been singing it with you. _

_I'm sorry that I ruined everything. I'm sorry that it took me so long to apologise and I'm sorry that you'll probably never read this._

_Love Jesse._

Rachel put it back in the envelope and moved onto the next letter.

_Dear Rachel,_

_Hopefully, someday I'll work up the courage to send you these letters. I miss you. So many times I've picked up the phone to call you and remembered that I can't do that. I blew it. I'm an idiot._

_John keeps calling me chicken, and maybe he's right. I think you two would get on. I wish you could come and visit, there's so many things in LA I would love to show you._

_Love Jesse_.

She carried on reading, they ended up taking her through most of the night.

_Dear Rachel,_

_I feel like I should explain. I apologised but I know there are so many things that were left unsaid and unexplained._

_Shelby asked me to befriend you so that I could lead you to her. At first I saw it as an acting exercise but as I got to know you I truly began to care for you. You're infectious like that. I was pretty sure that I was falling in love with you. That scared the hell out of me, even though I didn't show it. I was hurt by the Run Joey Run video and used it to justify everything I did, but that wasn't fair._

_When I asked about your dream I was truly surprised when you said about your mother, I or should I say, Shelby, got lucky. I genuinely felt in your search for your mother that I was helping you and that I was doing a good thing for you, despite the fact that I would inevitably hurt you with my return to Vocal Adrenaline. I planted the tape that Shelby had given me in the box and gave it to you. When you said you weren't ready I didn't want to push you but Shelby convinced me that it was for the best. So I made you listen to the tape._

_I'm sorry that I did that. If I had known that Shelby would change her mind I would never have put you through that kind of pain. _

_When I returned to VA, they didn't know why I had transferred. They assumed that I was a spy but when I had no information to give them, they turned on me and questioned my leadership. So we broke in and teepeed your choir room and tried to funkify you with Another One Bites The Dust. Standing on that stage I just wanted to jump down and take you in my arms but I couldn't do that. I needed to go to nationals, my whole future depended on it. It's selfish, but everything I did was selfish.  
_

_After Finn and Puck slashed our tires, everyone was calling for revenge. I tried to convince them that we were even but they had already planned something. I didn't know what it was until after I had called you. I don't know what I thought they would do but I should have known. They put the egg in my hand and hid. When I saw you coming I forgot what I was there for and was so happy to see you. As you got closer I realised what was about to happen. I needed to harden myself against you. I thought of you and Finn and Run Joey Run. I made myself angry with you._

_I forced myself to watch what we were doing to you so that I would know it was over, so I would know that there was no second chances after this. I tried to convince myself that I didn't want one. I was shaking as I stepped up to you, they were goading me and then you did. I wanted to prove to everyone that I would do whatever I wanted, that I had no feelings but it killed me. I don't know why I said I loved you, it was the worst thing to say. It wouldn't offer any consolation, it would make it worse. I created the most unforgivable circumstance and here I am begging for your fogiveness._

_Love Jesse_

_\o\  
_

_Dear Rachel,_

_I did, I do love you._

_Love Jesse_

_\o\  
_

_Dear Rachel,_

_How are you? _

_Love Jesse_

_\o\  
_

_I'm pathetic. Why am I doing this to myself. I don't need your forgiveness, I can get by on my own. I don't need you or anyone. _

_Have a good life._

_\o\  
_

_Dear Rachel, _

_My parents visited yesterday. That's why I wrote the letter that I did. I wasn't angry with you or myself really, just them. They swan in and try to tell me how to live my life. They never cared before, why now?_

_My Dad, as per usual tried to convince me to give up my "petty, unrealistic dreams of stardom" and switch to a more "reliable" degree like business. _

_I don't need them but every time I see them I regress into the little boy I used to be, the one before Vocal Adrenaline who did everything to try and please them. I would never practice singing while they were around, luckily that wasn't very often, but still. I kept my dance classes a secret and never told them when I was performing. It wasn't until Shelby noticed their disinterest that I stood up to them. _

_She made me believe I was a star and that I have what it takes. She made me strong enough to not need them, but it doesn't change the fact that I want them to be proud of me._

_Love Jesse._

_\o\  
_

_Dear Rachel,_

_You are amazing, you know that? I was told about the girl you sent to the crack house. Truly inspired._

_I know you probably got a lot of criticism from the rest of New Directions but a star's got to do what a star's got to do. _

_I do hope it helps you understand my motivation for my actions last year._

_Stick it out, they'll forget about it soon enough and don't let them get you down. I know how they can be. Don't let Schue taking away solos get to you, don't let their comments affect you. You are the strongest, most resilient person I have ever met. You are ten times the person, with ten times the talent of any of them in there. Don't forget that._

_Love Jesse_

_\o\  
_

_Dear Rachel,_

_I believe in you._

_Love Jesse_

_\o\  
_

_Dear Rachel,_

_I got the part of Tony in West Side Story! Not on Broadway, but the UCLA production is good enough for now and freshman's never the leads. _

_The girl playing Maria has nothing on you obviously, but she'll be good enough. I'm better though, obviously, which means I'll shine even brighter. I can't wait to start to start rehearsals._

_Love Jesse_

_\o\  
_

_Dear Rachel,_

_I'm exhausted. Rehearsals are taking up all of my time and energy. I've been out of practice since leaving VA, I forgot how tough this could be. Not that I'm not handling it but admittedly I have gotten quiet lazy in the last few months. I can almost hear your disapproval right now. I'll have to up my game a bit. If you can believe that? _

_Love Jesse_

_\o\  
_

_Dear Rachel,_

_Did you ever love me? I feel like a girl asking this, not to mention that these letters have practically become my diary, I can feel my masculinity slipping away as I write this._

_But really, I know I swept in at an opportune moment and it wasn't fate, it was an orchestrated plot for you to meet your birth mother._

_If I promise you that apart from the circumstances, everything was true. I was being myself. You knew Jesse, not Jesse St. James. _

_So, did you love me or was it always Finn? Because you seemed to move on damn quickly._

_Jesse_

_\o\  
_

_Dear Rachel,_

_You're too good for Finn._

_Love Jesse_

_\o\_

_Dear Rachel,_

_I had a dream of our Broadway debut last night. We played Wendla and Melchior in Spring Awakening and we were amazing. But then it went kind of freaky and the rest of our cast were suddenly zombies and we had to run away. _

_But starting as Wendla and Melchior together? What do you think?_

_Love Jesse_

_\o\_

_Dear Rachel,_

_You would have won sectionals if you had a solo. _

_Love Jesse_

_\o\_

_Dear Rachel,_

_I should have tried to talk to you at sectionals. I am home for Christmas, I'm even staying with my Uncle. You are only a couple of miles away from me right now and I hate to admit it but I'm too chicken to come and see you. _

_I know it's not exactly a reliable source but Jacob Isreal's blog says that you and Finn have broken up. I'm sorry if you are in pain but like I said before, he's not right for you._

_After the way I treated you I can understand if you think I'm not either, but I have a confession to make. I consider you my soul mate. _

_Even if we don't end up together, I think you always will be. For the brief time we were together, you completed me. You were an extension of myself, the same yet so different._

_If a soul mate is someone that always understands you and with who you have a deep affinity, no matter what, then you cannot deny that that is what we are. _

_Even in the worst and most dubious of circumstances it was still clear that we were made for each other. _

_Love Jesse_

_\o\_

_Dear Rachel,_

_God, I miss you. _

_Love Jesse_

_\o\_

_Dear Rachel,_

_I wish you could come and see West Side Story._

_I guess we'll have to wait until we're in it together._

_Love Jesse_

_\o\_

_Dear Rachel,_

_I wish I could hold you right now. It's been such a bad day and you are the only person I think could save it._

_Love Jesse_

_\o\_

_Dear Rachel,_

_Why can't I send you these letters?_

_I want nothing more than for you to read them but I'm afraid of no response. It'll either mean that you haven't read them or that you don't care or you still hate me. None of those options seem good to me so I'm just hiding all your letters in a box under my bed like a thirteen year old girl. _

_I try to hide it but I think John's figured it out. I can tell by the amused smile he tries to hide. Luckily, I think he finds it more funny that pathetic, but probably still quite pathetic._

_Love Jesse _

_p.s. I guess I kind of answered my own question._

_\o\_

_Dear Rachel, _

_I think I'm going to stop writing these now. I'm coming to see you at regionals and I will not chicken out this time. _

_I'm going to bring you a ticket for West Side Story and maybe if you forgive me I'll show you these letters. _

_Maybe just maybe we can have a happy ending._

_Love Jesse_

_\o\_

Rachel finished reading the last letter as fresh tears started to fall. She had been unable to hold them as she read his letters. She could imagine him sitting at a desk writing them and she could hear him saying them, reading them to her. Which might have been possible if only...

Regionals was in two week, Rachel couldn't believe that she would have been seeing him in two weeks. He would have been there waiting for her. She could imagine how it would have gone, how he would have won her over.

She agreed that he was her soul mate.

She grabbed the CD that had been at the bottom of the box. In the sleeve there was a note, written in Jesse's handwriting.

_Hey, _

_We were allowed to use the studio on campus and were told to record a few tracks to get used to the equipment. I wanted to send you my CD. I recorded all these while thinking of you. _

_-Jesse_

Rachel looked at the track listing written on the other side and there were five tracks listed. Jesse had also written little notes under each one.

1.) Hello

_The first song we ever sang together, I left your parts out so you can sing along._

2.) Not While I'm Around

_It may not be true of the past, but I want it to be true of the future._

3.) Dance So Good

_I like this song, it reminds me of you and I think you need to be reminded that you're beautiful._

4.) Left Behind

_I needed to include a song from Spring Awakening, we have to be preparing for as long as possible. ;]_

5.) Your Song

_I hope you don't mind that I put down in words, __how wonderful life is while you're in the world._

Rachel played the CD from the same stereo as she had listened to shelby's tape. She sang along with Hello and was taken back to their first meeting, her awkward shyness, his confidence, all of it melting away as they sang together.

She listened to Not While I'm Around and let his voice and his broken promise wash over her. He wouldn't be there to protect her. He wouldn't be there.

The next song she didn't know but she was flattered that Jesse would think of her when listening to this song and he sang it so well. His voice was a comfort to her.

Left Behind reduced her to tears. Jesse had no idea how relevant the song would become.

_All things he ever wished are left behind._  
_ All the things his mama did to make him mind,_  
_ And how his dad had hoped he'd grow._

_ All things he ever lived are left behind._  
_ All the fears that ever flickered through his mind._  
_ All the sadness that he'd come to own._

_ A shadow passed, a shadow passed, yearning, yearning_  
_ For the fool it called a home._

_ And it whistles through the ghosts still left behind._  
_ It whistles through the ghosts still left behind._  
_ Whistles through the ghosts still left behind._

As the song drew to a close Rachel collapsed onto the floor of her bedroom. His voice was haunting her as Your Song began. Rachel was still caught in Left Behind. She could see him performing it in Spring Awakening, she could see his dreams that would never be and it was such an intense hurt that all she could do was grip onto the pain so as to remind herself that she was, in fact, alive.

She climbed onto her bed and placed the CD into her laptop and set it on repeat as she lay there, giving herself over to the grief. Her body shook with the ferocity of her sobs and when her dad's came into check on her after being woken by her cries, she sent them away. She needed to be alone. She began to re-read Jesse's letters and tried to decide which ones were her favourites.

\o\

Rachel opened her eyes, she was laying on her side on her bed. She looked around and noticed Jesse sitting on the chair in the corner of her bedroom watching her. She sat up sharply.

"Jesse?"

"Hey." He said nervously.

Rachel looked around for the letters but couldn't see them and her laptop was back on her desk where she always kept it.

She looked at Jesse confused but soon she broke out into a huge smile.

"It's so good to see you." She let out. "You have no idea what... I don't even know... Oh thank god!" She released a breath of relief. "I have such an over active imagination."

Rachel looked over to him, expecting a witty retort but she didn't receive one. He just looked at her sadly.

"No." She shook her head vehemently. "No. It was a dream. It was a dream. You're here. You're alive. Jesse. Tell me. You're alive. This is real." She started getting more and more distressed and Jesse's face was contorted with pain.

"I'm dead, Rachel."

"Than you can't be here. But you are I can see you."

"You're not awake." He said coming over and laying down next to her on the bed. She reached out to touch him but drew back.

"So this is a dream?" She asked trying to ignore her tears.

"Not exactly. This isn't just a figment of your imagination. I'm here, in your dream."

"That doesn't make sense."

"I know."

"It's not real." She shook her head. "Can I touch you?"

"I don't know. It really is me, my spirit, or soul if you will." He smirked.

"Were you there in the choir room that day."

"I'll always be there. When you sing, when you perform, when you need someone I'll always be there. In your heart." He pressed his hand against her chest.

"I can feel you." She smiled through her tears.

"I may not be here in body but I'm here in soul. My soul belongs to you."

"I love you." She cried.

"I love you too." He pressed his lips softly to hers.

"I don't want to wake up."

"Yes you do. Go and be great. I'll always be here. You're guardian angel." He assured her smiling._ "No one's gonna hurt you, no one's gonna dare, others can desert you, not to worry, whistle, I'll be there." _He sang softly to her.

When Rachel awoke she could feel his lips on hers and his hand on her chest. She looked at the empty space next her and reached her hand across it.

For the rest of her life, whenever Rachel was on stage or singing she would see Jesse in the corner of her eye. She thanked him in every award speech and set up the Jesse St James foundation to help aspiring performers. Rachel fell in love many times. Despite her feelings on the matter Rachel found herself divorced twice. The love she held for these men wasn't enough. She wanted it to work. But she only ever had one soul mate.

Aged 87 Rachel lay in her bed, she had a long and happy life. Her family were gathered around her, her children and her grandchildren, and she was saying her goodbyes. As she closed her eyes she didn't see a light like people always said, she saw Jesse holding out his hand.

She took it.

* * *

Okay, I sobbed like a baby at quite a few different points during this story and it's the longest this I've ever written. I know I'm writing a few sad things at the moment but I like writing them in the same morbid way that people enjoy films that make them cry and I always enjoy tragedies more anyway.

The song's I used in this story are...

Those you've known from Spring Awakening

Hello - Glee cast version

Not While I'm Around- Jamie Cullum (it's from Sweeney Todd and there's loads of different versions but Jamie Cullum's is my favourite

Dance So Good- Wakey!Wakey!

Left Behind from Spring Awakening

Your Song- Elton John

I would suggest listening to all of them. =]

Please review, they make my day =]


End file.
